Daughter’s Death

My oldest two daughters became the best of friends.  Something they never really had before.  The move back to Virginia was so hard on them.  But I recall Chelsea sending me an e-mail at work one time that said, Mom, you know how hard this move has been on Alicia & I, but, if the only good thing that has come out of this move is the fact that Alicia & I became so close, then it was ALL worth it!

The kids wanted to go to a pool hall that was about 20-30 mins. away but I was trying to convince them to go up the road.  They said to me, “Mom, you’re always trying to keep us safe, but yet you want us to go into a ‘bad’ section where we’ll probably get shot!”

Less than 5 minutes later, I got a phone call saying that a red mustang had flipped on Rt. 1 and they saw Alicia headed that way.  They don’t know if it’s her or not.  I grabbed my cell phone and purse and told my friend to come with me.  She saw the look on my face and didn’t bother to ask me why.  I told my husband what the phone call was about and said, “I need to find out if it’s our kids.”

This is basically what happened….someone struck the mustang from behind, the car fishtailed causing Alicia to lose control, and she went up an embankment which caused the car to go airborne and when it came down, it landed on its roof, caving it in completely!  EMS thought it was a convertible, that’s how flat the top was, but, no, it wasn’t a convertible.

I kept trying to run to the car, but the police kept me back.  Finally they said to me, “You don’t want to go over there.”  I said, “Oh yes I do!”  They said, “No, you don’t, two are already dead and another has been airlifted to INOVA Fairfax Hospital.”

Dedra and I looked at each other with the same thought.  If I pray my kids are safe, that means hers aren’t.  I grabbed her by the shoulders shaking her, saying, “We’ll just pray they’re wrong!  We’ll just pray they don’t know what they’re talking about!”

We got to the hospital and they let me see Alicia.  The first thing she said to me was, Mom…I am SO sorry!  I said, it’s ok sweetie, it wasn’t your fault!  Her left arm was nearly severed.

I asked Alicia how the other kids were.  She said no one will tell her.  She said she called to all of them while she was waiting for help to come but none of them ever answered her.  She said, mom, Chelsea’s foot was right next to my face and I was jiggling it, but, she never answered me.

That’s when the doctor came in and I asked, how’s my Chelsea?  Where’s my Chelsea?  I was told she didn’t make it.  Chelsea, Erin & Josh were all killed instantly.

I want to see her I said!  They finally let me see her and the first thing I said to her was, “Mommy’s so sorry I couldn’t keep you safe.  I tried SO hard to keep you safe!”

After the accident satan started attacking me with FEAR!  I began to be afraid every time I got behind the wheel of a car with my kids.  I started to become paralyzed with the thought, oh my gosh, this could happen to me again.  I can lose another, perhaps all of my children, that Alicia was going to jail for vehicular manslaughter, that our long time friends were going to sue us and then we’ll have nothing left!  One day, after I returned to work, I was sitting at my desk with 500 employees around me and I felt completely alone!  I felt like everyone was blaming me or my daughter and that every time I heard a whisper or someone speaking quietly, that they were talking about me and the accident.  That afternoon as I was driving home from work, I felt that fear consume me and that’s when I began to yell at satan.  I told him, satan, I rebuke you in the name of Jesus, you have NO authority over me and I command you to leave me and my family alone!  That was the last time I was consumed with fear.

During the next few days and weeks, God began to show me that He is in control and that He always was in control.  Just two days before Chelsea died, I had mentioned that it was the anniversary of my father’s death and how I wanted to be buried in the same cemetery as he and then I said, as a matter of fact, I’d like us all to be buried there.  So, two days later, when Chelsea died, I already knew where she was going to be buried.  When I went to contact Chelsea’s friends to tell them that she died, I came across a poem that was in her address book and she had recently written.  The poem tells me that Chelsea knew that death was just another part of living and again, that God was in control.

You know as I was sitting in church last Sunday and God was telling me He wanted me to speak to you today, I questioned Him saying, Lord, I don’t want to bring other Mothers down on Mother’s Day with my sad story.  But He told me, I bring you down, so that you can lift ME up!

I feel that God wants me to convey to you, what I’ve learned from the loss of my daughter.

Since I worried about my kid’s safety ALL the time, everyone says to me, I bet you’re REALLY over-protective with your kids now, aren’t you? I sometimes feel bad, because they probably don’t understand, but, if I’ve learned anything, it’s that worrying about their safety isn’t going to add another second onto their life, so why worry?  Why rack your body with tension and grief, worrying about your children?  Why not trust in God and know that no matter what happens, HE is in control.

There is a quote I came across in the days after Chelsea died and I don’t even know who the author is but it says this…..If God brought you to it, He’ll bring you through it!  I have clung to that saying and it sustains me, no, HE sustains me!

One day I was in my car and I was crying, Lord, how come every time I’m alone, all I do is cry?  And Lord, I get SO tired of being strong!  He said, I allow you to be weak in your alone times, so you can be strong and a good witness for me in your public times.

Another area that God was always in control is when it comes to our long time friends.  Not only have they never sued us for the deaths of their two children, but, they have never blamed us or held us responsible.  Not even Alicia, who was driving at the time.  We are still the best of friends.  In my heart, I believe that is just another one of God’s miracles working in my life.

Another time on my way home I was talking to the Lord and remembering a poem I read called “A Visitor’s Pass to Heaven” and I said….Lord…If only I could visit her one day.  He said….15 yrs wasn’t enough for you, one day won’t help either. I felt that was kind of harsh, but yet, through it, God revealed to me something very profound.

How to borrow a child…(and then have to give her back)

When you borrow something you take care of it.  You make sure that it stays clean and healthy.  You take care of proper maintenance etc.  You don’t abuse or neglect it.  You don’t ever consider it “yours”.  You know, eventually you have to give it back.  And you even try to give it back in better condition then when you borrowed it.
Well in our case, we’re borrowing God’s children.  they are His, not ours.  We know their owner (God) cares for and loves them a lot.  We never know how long He’ll even allow us to enjoy them.  But we need to be thankful for the time He has allowed us to have with them.  It’s a large responsibility but it’s also an honor and a privilege.  We need to love them, nurture them, give them guidance and boundaries.  We need to raise them knowing the difference between right and wrong.  Most of all we need to introduce them to their heavenly Father who will call them home one day and they need to “know” Him so that they can live eternally with Him.

After your child dies you’re always asking God… WHY??  I asked Him, “Lord, Chelsea loved you, she lived for you, she was sharing your love and kindness with others.  She touched SO many people in her short 15 yrs.  Why didn’t you allow her to stay here longer so she could touch more lives?”  He said, “Because she can touch more lives in her death.”

I said, “She was one of the sweetest people I knew.  I felt her love more than from anyone else.”  He said, “That’s because you saw Jesus in her.  You felt My love through her.”

“But Lord, I LOVED HER SO MUCH?”  He said, “Yes, I know, but you loved her more than you love Me!  You love your children, more than you love me!”  That was SO true.  I did love them more.  And now God is showing me that our children are never ours.  They never were and never will be.  We are just their caretakers and that God should be the first love in our lives, then our spouses and then our children.  They truly are blessings FROM God.